Lingually constipated: A Bilingual brain in protest

Bilingualism starts to be a very distracting habit for me. It distracts me because my thoughts, writing, and speech, can be performed in two completely different languages. Language, as I see it,is one of the first tools you get to define yourself as a person. To be able to express yourself, is to be able to define yourself, and to leave your mark on the world that surrounds you. Being an aspiring writer, this leaves me with a dilemma practically any time I pick up a pen, or sit down behind a keyboard to write. English? or Dutch?

Ever since I studied the English language and Culture (presumably there is an English culture) I gradually became more and more aware of the fact that not only was my american television accent fading to be replaced by proper English, my thoughts, my writing, my tea habits were changing to English too. I was positively drinking in the new words, accents, books and culture (beer and rugby). I have very precious memories of reading tons and tons of books, listening to professors talking, being jealous of their whit, sense of humour, and the fact that in front on an audience, 55-year-old grey Englishmen seem to have no sense of self. University and I were not a couple to have a happy  marriage however, and when my personal life started to cave in, I had to up and split and move on. Needless to say that my carefully studied accent waned away to be replaced by a form of Dunglish: English with a variety of British and American English accents, with a very strong undercurrent of the undeniable sounds your average Dutch person makes when trying to speak English.

My thoughts come to me in a random language. I’ve stopped caring about what language they come in, and I’ve stopped caring about the fact that when in a group of Dutch people, when asked a question I might start my sentence in English, and finish it in Dutch. With writing it’s quite a different story however. Both English and Dutch have their own treats, their own pro’s and con’s. I’m quite aware of the fact that my grammar and punctuation probably contain more flaws then the writing of a native british teenager, but I don’t care. I like writing in English. The problem is, that I like writing in Dutch too, and that as of late, I feel lingually constipated. I just can’t choose. And because I can’t choose, I’m unable to express myself. I’m aware that I don’t need to choose. I’m aware that as problems go, on the scale of one to ten – one being to forget your front door key while when throwing out the trash dressed in nothing but slippers and ten being indifference – this problem wouldn’t even register, but seeing as this is my perspective,  I feel I’m allowed the indulgence of wrapping myself in an uncomfortable blanket of self pity for just a minute.

I know that I can do whatever the hell I like, as long as I’m enjoying myself when doing so, and it isn’t hurting others. As long as I feel good about what I have written, then why the hell does it matter in which language it is? But apparently my brain disagrees. To my brain, and I dare say my ego as well, it is absolutely necessary to pick one.  As always when faced with problems too diffuse to tackle on my own, I turn my attention to the internet. Dear readers, who recognises the above? And who wants to share the trick on how to deal with it? Please be so kind to leave a comment if you have any light to shed on the problem!

My month in Tech: Procrastination made useful, a guide to publishing e-books.

Procrastination is a friend of mine. Seriously, it is. See, in the attempt to get on with writing an ebook, I naturally procrastinate my socks of. Usually, to get away from the things that one ought to do, one starts looking for ways out. Gaming online, checking your facebook, twitter or myspace, feeding the cat, stare out the window or whatever else it is that comes to mind that you can do, other then the thing that you’re supposed to be doing. For me, procrastination tends to be informative. I’ve learned how to submit your ebook to the apple Ibook store. I’ve learned how to compile it in an epub format. I’ve learned where you can find a suitable designer for the covers and the layout, and I picked up some tips and tricks to get marketing going. You can probably Google the last one, can’t you?

The procrastination is not what worries me. What worries me is the fact that, for the time being, all I need to do is write the frikkin’ book. What worries me, is that despite the fact the my desk is covered in post it’s, that I have an updated version of Scrivener and an ample supply of coffee, the words just won’t come in the right order. I am, literally constipated for words.

Oh well, I suppose that it will, at some point, come out of my brain and into my computer. As always, it’s taking its own sweet time is all.

Blizzard Writing Contest 2010 Story Download

Remember I participated in the Blizzard writing contest? Well, although I lost, I thought it would be fun to share the story online. You can find it here. Let me know what you think! The pdf was created by a good friend of mine, thanks to Martijn your eyes won’t water from the white background, or on the ghastly Times New Roman type-set. Thanks dude!

World of Warcraft: Ethics & Morals (and why the Allience keeps loosing Battlegrounds)

I’ve been playing World of Warcraft for quite a while, and after doing some searching into what I might like, I started a new alt. An Alliance paladin this time.  Based on the advice of friends that know me as a person, and  play WoW  too, I rolled to be a righteous crusader of the hand of light, fighting the undead abolishment’s that the Horde has set on Azeroth to mutilate, pillage and plunder. Or so they say. The rich lore that surrounds the class of the noble paladin attracts me. I like the idea of fighting in service of what my character thinks of as the truth, and to protect those who are to weak to defend themselves for whatever reason. I like to combination of using the forces of good, the magic of the forces of good, and a nice big warhammer on the battle field against those who have sided with evil. It only goes to show perhaps, what parts of my real life, the one that truly matters, need tweaking. It is quite interesting to notice how my earthbound morals, interests, philosophies are carried over to the game. In game I like to be the best in game version of myself. If I were to live in that world, that’s how I’d want to be. My character looks like a digital version of my best self, including the hair do, muscular build (which is indeed the best version of myself, in real life I look just plain saggy).

A lot of my friends and gamers around the world, seem to follow a different strategy. They focus on not being the best version of their digital self, but the baddest. I’ve tried that tactic, and it simply doesn’t work for me. Playing a rogue for instance. I like the fight mechanics, but I don’t enjoy the lurking in stealth; it symbolizes deceit, shabbiness and quite literally, backstabbing. The same goes for playing the Horde faction. See, the story of World of Warcraft is centred around an ancient dispute between the Alliance and the Horde. As it is with any war, the true reasons for the war have gone forgotten, along with the knowledge who started it all. Wars are like marriage; where two people are fighting, both parties are to be equally blamed, for neither party has been wiser than the other. When I first started playing the game, I had one look at the intro theatrics, and rolled for the alliance. Representing light, justice, honor and bravery, made it in my mind the only right decision. You were able to play a noble human, a chipper gnome, an adventurous dwarf or an mystical night elf. All representing something different, but all attuned to doing the right thing. If you took sides with the Horde, you could pick a race that represents everything that was, and still is, ugly in the universe of World of Warcraft. A brutal orc, a savage undead, a mischievous troll or a lumbering tauren (when will we be getting that /milk emote? Blizz? Anyone?). The whole faction seems to be designed to appall, both in looks and in manners.

One of my earliest experiences with the different mindset of the Horde players was the phenomenon called corpse camping. A favourite pass time for usually undead rogues was to sneak up on you, and as a cloth armor wearing priest, you don’t have a great chance of winning, and then wait for you to come to collect your corpse, and to it all over again. And again. And again. That made my first PvP  (person vs person) experience great. There is no real life equivalent to this behaviour other then bullying. And that is just plain wrong. In game, or in real life. I can’t for the life of me figure out why you’d want to that.

That last paragraphs brings me to the point I have been trying to drive home for the last couple sentences. Where I try to create the best version of my digital self, honoring the values and morals that I have in real life as well, a lot of other gamers use the game to achieve the opposite: the meanest version of their digital self. In real life they most likely wouldn’t hurt a fly, but being an asshole in online acts as a steam valve of build up pressure. They roam the planes of Azeroth, and try to be mean, nasty, dirty, and cheap. That is, towards the other faction. There is no doubt in my mind that amongst the horde, there is friendly chatting going on too. I changed from a PvP to a PvE  (person vs environment) server, to get rid of the ganking, and the general idiocy that horde characters seem to act with. Another example would be killing you when you low on health while questing. Where I think of that as low and despicable, someone else thinks of that as cunning and smart. We both believe what we believe for our own valid reasons. But the difference is what, in my opinion, separates the alliance from the Horde,  and with that, a lot of outcomes of the battlefield battles.

I really like the PvP fights, in places that are designed to cater to the needs of the fights. Places that hold their place in the Warcraft lore, that have been places of epic battles first in stories, and then brought to life with the video game. It involves using tactics; it needs leaders to guide the less able player towards victory, it needs players that are willing listen to leadership in order to rise above themselves. But, my animosity towards the Horde faction is contained within those areas. I will never attack a horde that’s minding his own business, nor will I steal an easy kill. More likely, if I see a Horde on the verge of dying during his quests, I’ll try to help and slay his NPC foes.
I know that a lot of my fellow Alliance players will not agree with me. I know that a lot of Alliance players will use the same tactics on the Horde, the tactics I so loathe; sometimes to revenge old grudges, sometimes simply because in World of Warcraft you can be such an ass. It has been debated that because of a specific mindset, the Horde seems to be better in PvP; winning more battlegrounds, winning more Arena events and winning more ‘violent encounters’ then the Alliance players. I guess also depends on what kind of server your are playing, the balance between the number of Alliance and Horde players, and the culminated experience of all those players. It has been argued as well that the Horde’s racial advantages combined with good gear are stronger then the Alliance equivalent, but that has always sounded like a bit of a non argument to me. Racials are important, but they won’t, in my honest opinion, make or break a characters success in pvp battles.

But, if we for a minute we assume that a server is well balanced, and that the battle ground is more or less evenly geared, and experienced. So what it comes down to then, is the leadership and individual skill. Let us say for the purposes of this example, that this battle is taking place in Arathi Basin. I wonder how many Alliance players can relate to the following transcript.

Name1: Ok get the DM,
Name2: I’m going to LM!
Name1: Report inc
Name3: INC DM!
Name1: STAY AND HOLD DM!!!
Name3:need help at DM pls!
Name3 has died
Name1: YOU NOOB! YOU SHOULD HAVE DEF DM!!!!
[HordePlayer] has assaulted DM
Name2: They have DM, we might as well give it to them now.
Name3: yeah, there is no point.
Name1: YOU NOOBS! &#$^
Name3:Lets farm HK’s on LM.

The above illustrates perfectly why I think that on my server, the Alliance is losing more battlegrounds than they are winning; they simply give up to soon, and they lack the will to listen and to execute on orders from battleground leaders. Following a strategy, whether you get the strategy or not, does not matter. If you execute as ordered, you’ll have a way better chance of winning the battleground then if you hand over the victory after just one loss.

Neither way of playing WoW is wrong. You can be bad, annoying, and do the stuff that lets you blow of steam. You can be good, righteous, brave and annoying, if that what works for you. I suppose psychologists could do a job interpreting the why’s and what for’s, and I welcome them to do so. But, it’s about playtime. It’s about fun. The digital platform provides whatever fun you seek; it’s the pinball arcade of the 21th century, it’s the most white collared drugs dealer you have ever seen. Since you’re a paying costumer, you can enjoy the pleasures in a fashion that makes the most sense to you.

Until that time,

(b)Turning the pages

Time is a fickle friend. As one progresses through the minutes that make hours, the hours that make days, the days that make weeks, the weeks that make months, and the months that make years, a lot changes without you really notice it at first. The time span of an average human life, could be successfully compared to reading a book. As one turns the pages, each thread of story will be played out, until that final moment when you close the covers, and the story is done. Perhaps it’s a daft statement. If not daft, then certainly a vomit producing one. Nevertheless, the power of a cliche lies in the fact that the cliche itself is true.

I am turning pages. New home, new house, new city, new job. My surroundings are changing dramatically, and as I cope with all that, I get to see how I have changed myself. I must say, I am impressed.

/Moo – Nanowrimo turned Nanowrexit

This years Nanowrimo has been fun, and very educational, for as long as it lasted. I have decided that this years glory of finishing Nanowrimo is best left to others, those who actually have been writing  a novel, or a piece of writing that constitutes one great story or project.

For various reasons I’ve come to the conclusion that I won’t finish the 50.000 words this year, unless I go into cheating mode. Cheating by my own terms that is, as there is no one who’ll actually check what I have written. Speedwriting a diary section over 24.000 words that has nothing to do with my two projects is cheating, and to be able to finish this year that’s a tactic I would have to resolve to. As Tolkien has said: ‘There comes a time to choose between what’s right, and what is easy.’ Sensitive as I am to these pseudowisdom philosophy quote’s, I made the decision to do what’s right.

I’ve been happily writing everyday, but it’s too little, too late, and too unfocused to constitute  a valid entry for the Nanowrimo ‘Win’ title. There is some good material  and I certainly walk away from this feeling very happy to have found mechanism that helps me write everyday. For now however, the circumstances are such that I can’t – with a good heart – write more or longer periods of time. It would destroy the feeling I so love about writing, it would destroy the feeling of raw creation.  I’ll keep on writing whenever I can, and I’m sure the fruits will be available online soon enough.

Until such a time has come,